


ups and downs

by philippine



Series: ups and downs [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, POV Alternating, SUFFER WITH ME
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-05 15:35:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13390872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philippine/pseuds/philippine
Summary: She sat alone on her pristine couch in her massive penthouse dominating National City below her. She felt isolated, nobody could reach her here. Not that anyone wanted to reach her, except hired killers. She swirled her expensive scotch in her expensive glass. She could easily have what everybody craved. She was rich, young and beautiful. So why was she so full of sorrow?





	1. wallowing

**Author's Note:**

> thank you TrueMaverick for the review

She sat alone on her pristine couch in her massive penthouse dominating National City below her. She felt isolated, nobody could reach her here. Not that anyone wanted to reach her, except hired killers. She swirled her expensive scotch in her expensive glass. She could easily have what everybody craved. She was rich, young and beautiful. So why was she so full of sorrow? Maybe it was because of the human condition, always craving for something else, something more. As Oscar Wilde said, “there are only two tragedies in life, one is not getting what one wants, the other is getting it”. Why would she be any different?

She contemplated the city lights, emptying her second glasses and trying to understand what she could do to be happier. But nothing came, she didn’t think she deserved more, she needed to find a way to be satisfied with her life. She had never been a materialist person, she craved for someone who she could share her life with. Someone to come home to after work, someone who wanted to be with her, not for her name or money, but for her. She, a long time ago, dismissed the idea of finding such a person; but every year during the Christmas holiday, her hope, her dream returned to taunt her. She thought she had found the perfect partner in Jack, even if she wasn’t that physically attracted to him his mind would have been enough she had thought. But it wasn’t enough and when she moved to National City he refused to follow her if he had maybe he would be still alive. The thought of her dead ex didn’t help warm her lonely heart. She didn’t appreciate being in this wallowing state, but there was nothing she could do to shake it. So she hid in her tower, hoping it would pass quickly even though it never did. On the bright side, she wouldn’t have to endure her mother's words this year, now she was locked in a jail cell. But even if Lilian wasn’t physically there, Lena could hear Lilian's voice in her head telling her how she was a disappointment, how she failed her family, and so on. Years of bullying didn’t disappear in one night, or even after years of therapy. Generally, she used her work as a coping mechanism, but she closed her building for Christmas, and gave to her employees a day off, inevitably forcing her to face her demons. Tomorrow she would go back to work like nothing had happened and like she was a normal 25-year-old woman and had spent the holiday with friends and family, but today she indulged in her wallowing. She didn’t have to smile or pretend to be happy in her fortress of solitude. She snorted, thinking about Superman wasn’t a great idea, because indubitably her thoughts would drift toward Supergirl and an all-new kind of wallowing began. How could she be so cursed that her only friend in town, was the girl of steel in flesh? What did she do in her other life to deserve to be punished in this one by being adopted by an infamous family who didn’t love her, to only having one friend, who revealed herself to be the cousin of her brother’s archenemies, and then finally falling in love with the woman? She had fallen head over heels for the blonde the very second they met, and not even all she discovered about the blonde had diminished her feelings, quite the opposite in fact. She had found so much common ground with Kara, she could see deep in the blonde's eyes her own suffering reflected, right behind the cheerful wall Kara had built to protect herself, the same walls as Lena’s. How could she not love her when she could understand the blondes sorrow and could appreciate the strength she showed in every smile and the effort she made to carry her cheerful demeanor. Whereas Lena could only show coldness and distances. 

They never openly talked about it, Kara had never told Lena who she really was, she only showed a glimpse of what her life was before she lost her world, disguising it in an earthly tail. And Lena never called her out, respecting Kara’s secret. But she was so deeply in love her that it hurt. She knew that Kara didn’t feel the same, they were friends, and most of the time it was enough for Lena, to simply have the blonde in her life. But a day like today, when she was so down that she asked herself why she was continuing, their friendship wasn’t enough, and it was the other reason for her. There wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to drown her sorrow or to soothe her aching heart. Therefore she sat in silence in her massive apartment and waited for it to pass. 

In appearance she was perfectly still, but inside, deep down, hidden in her mind, in the only place she authorized herself to feel, really feel, she was screaming at the top of her lungs, hitting the air and fighting invisible demons who plagued her for so long that she thought they had been in her life forever. They had been her only companions for so long, she was sure that only they truly knew her. How pathetic was she? Lena allowed a single tear to run from the corner of her eyes, down her cheek and finally fall from her face.

 

xxx

 

Kara closed the door of her apartment after the last guest had left. She fell back against the door and closed her eyes and sighed. She used to love being surrounded by her friends and family, but lately, she was longing for something else. And it became harder each time to maintain her act of cheerfulness. She didn’t feel like she could talk about it with her sister after Alex’s break up, she didn’t want to weigh her sister down anymore. Alone, she felt like she was finally allowed to fall apart. Since Mon-El's forced exile and his return, married, she had the sensation of living in a storm. She sobbed, why was she so down? She had moved on since Mon-El, it was still hard to see him but she had accepted it, accepted that he wasn't meant for her and he seemed happy with Imra. No, it wasn't Mon-El who was her problem. It was Lena, she was in love with her best friend how cliché was it. But she refused to act on it. She couldn't purposefully drag Lena into her insane life, moreover, Lena didn't need it. She had enough threats to her life without Kara adding more. So Kara had decided she would cherish their friendship and wouldn't ask for more. But every time she saw her, every hug, every lingering touch was like a knife stabbing her heart. She had to bite her tongue to not blurt out her feelings. And every time it became harder. It was why she felt slightly relieved when Lena declined her offer to come for Christmas, even if deep down she would have enjoyed spending Christmas with Lena alone. 

But now that she was alone in her apartment, the only thing she could think about was Lena. And her resolution didn't seem so clever anymore and the more she thought about it more it became hard not to fly to Lena and tell her she was in love with her, then again she would have to explain herself and come clean about being Supergirl, which was another reason she hadn’t confess her feelings. She was afraid that Lilian was right and Lena would hate her for that, even if she doubted it. 

She needed to put everything out of her head, she could feel her hand trembling with nerves. She wanted to scream, to let all her sorrow flow out of her body. And on a bad day like today, she wanted to empty herself of everything, even her powers. She wanted to be as vulnerable as she felt inside and just as broken, just to let it all out. 

She put her training clothes on and flew to the DEO. She didn't want to wear her suit, she felt like she didn't deserve to sport her family crest. She sneaked inside without difficulty,  only a few agents were on duty and they were occupied in the control room. She went to her training room and turned on the kryptonite emitter. She felt her strength leave her. She began to throw all her anger to the punching bag at first silently, then she began to scream with every blow and finally when she couldn't keep her guard up she fell against the punching bag, held it tightly against her chest and cried. She cried because of her sorrow, her vulnerabilities, her mistakes and her regrets. She cried out all her tears and fell on the floor, lying there in the fetal position. She didn't know how long she stayed there. She had fallen asleep and was woken by a concerned Alex who forced her to lay under the sunlamp. Alex questioned her relentlessly to know what happened. Kara wasn't ready to talk about it. She left her sister behind, swearing she would talk when she was ready. Once back in her apartment, alone, she locked herself in took a shower and laid on her bed but unable to find sleep or to silence her mind. She finally gave in and decided to go see Lena. 


	2. reaching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you TrueMaverick for the review

Tired of her pity party, Lena stood and decided to go outside. She needed to be surrounded by people to distract her from her demons, She wasn’t the kind of person who ran away but she could feel that she wasn’t far from weighing up suicidal thoughts and being alone was dangerous for her well-being. She went to a bar downtown, it was the first time she set foot here and sat at the counter. She wasn’t one to frequent bars, she preferred to drink alone in her apartment or at her office. Lionel had taught her how to drink to seal a business deal and later she had discovered the joy of sharing a drink with friends, but that wasn’t what she was looking for tonight. No, she didn’t want to talk or think, she wanted to drown, to make her body suffer like her mind was. She ordered a scotch, nothing as good as she owned, but it would be enough for what she had planned. It wasn't long before a drunk man began to talk to her. Usually, she would have made him leave, but tonight she was already drunk and thought “why not”. After all, she wasn't obliged to be faithful to Kara. She let him buy her drinks which silenced her reasonable self. He was the one who did most of the talking, she simply nodded and didn’t really pay attention. She didn’t ask for his name or gave him hers, they were both aware of the game they were playing. When the waiter refused to serve them more drinks, the stranger proposed to continue their little party at his place, she followed him to his apartment, she knew exactly what she was doing and how it would end when she followed him. 

She woke up with the first ray of the sun through the windows of an unknown room, she opened her eyes and immediately regretted it. She was hungover. She turned her back to the offensive sun and blinked carefully trying to get used to the light. Lena found an unknown man by her side and tried to recall her actions from last night. She lifted the sheets and discovered she was naked. Her pity party had become pity sex last night with the help of all the alcohol she had drunk. She hated herself for it, she should have known that it would only add to her sorrow and not alleviate it. She needed to quickly gather her clothes and leave before she woke up the stranger next to her. She didn’t want to have to deal with the man or explain herself or worst turn him down if he asked her to stay. Lena hoped he hadn’t recognized her in his drunk state and that she wouldn’t have to deal with a scandal. She called her driver and headed to her penthouse, ashamed.

  
***

 

When Kara arrived at Lena's place she hovered outside of the penthouse, using her senses to locate her inside but found nobody. She tracked Lena's heartbeats to a bar downtown she headed there just in time to see Lena leaving with a man. Kara staid long enough to make sure that Lena followed him on purpose. When she understood what she just witnessed she turned around and went back to her apartment to wallow. How could have she been so stupid of course Lena didn't wait for her. Lena had all she wanted including men. Kara hid under her blanket on her couch and decided not to move, except if Supergirl was needed.  Even Alex didn't succeed to make her move for days. Kara ignored all the incoming calls and texts from everyone. She wasn't ready to talk to anybody.

 

***

 

 

It was New Year’s Eve tonight and nobody had managed to get in touch with Kara, she had locked herself in her apartment. Lena only knew she was still alive because she has seen Supergirl intervening in crime this week on the news. She worried about her friend, Kara hadn't answered her phone or replied to her texts. Lena had called Alex this morning to ask what happened but the agent hadn't any answer to give. So Lena did the only thing she hadn't done yet. She headed to Kara's apartment and knocked on the door relentlessly. 

 

She knew Kara was there since Supergirl wasn’t needed anywhere in town. When nothing happened, Lena spoke up, she knew that Kara could hear her.

“Kara, I know you are in there, please open the door” she knocked again and heard someone move inside.

“I can hear you, you know. I won't move from here until I see you.”

Lena rested her forehead against the door and waited. She was committed to remaining there until Kara opened the door. 

“Please” she whispered weakly against the door. Finally, Kara unlocked the door but didn’t open it. Lena opened it slowly and carefully entered dark the apartment.

“Kara? I'm coming in.” Lena said tentatively, but she didn’t get an answer. “Kara talk to me please” She pleaded. 

“What do you want?” Kara asked with a lifeless voice which broke Lena‘s heart. 

“What happened?” Lena asked making her way toward the couch, where Kara sat.

“Nothing” Kara snapped, and Lena stopped walking

“Please talk to me, you can tell me anything.” She implored, she couldn't understand what could have happened to her usually cheerful friend. 

“There is nothing to say, nothing to talk about, you can leave now”

 

“I won't leave you alone like this. I'm your friend and I am here for you” Kara snorted at the statement, she knew she was being unfair to Lena but she couldn't find the strength to fake being okay. She was hurt, Lena had hurt her without knowing. 

 

Lena didn't want to give up on Kara and she was ready to fight for their friendship. She lost her temper and planted herself in front of Kara with her hand on her hips. If she wasn't so pissed she would have laughed at the irony of the situation, a Luthor in Supergirl posture in front of a wallowing Supergirl. 

“Enough! Talk to me!” Lena almost screamed at this point, she had worried for days and she wanted to help her friend, even if Kara didn't seem to want her help. 

Kara couldn’t contain her tears, she bit the inside of her cheeks so much that she could taste her blood. She was frustrated by the situation, why had Lena needed to come here? Why was she fighting for their friendship? It would be much easier if she just let her walk out of her life, if she had just left her behind without looking back. But of course no, Lena stood here, in front of her, ready to fight. The dark-haired woman didn’t want to abandon her, it was part of why she had fallen in love with her in the first place, Lena didn’t run away, she fought. And Kara was torn between her want to be held by her best friend, to be comforted by this strong woman, and her need to be alone. She knew she had to make herself grieve to be able to move on from this unrequited love. She needed time alone, away from Lena, and maybe, just maybe they could be friends again, but not now. Seeing the woman in front of her only hurt her.

 

“Leave me alone,” Kara said weakly, being in her presence hurt, making her leave hurt as well, “please leave” she didn’t contain her sobs.

Lena deflated at the sight and the voice of her friend. She knew there was nothing more she could do if Kara didn’t let her. 

“Kara” Lena whispered defeat. She walked slowly toward the door, hoping that the blonde would stop her, but she didn’t, Lena threw one last look over her shoulder before closing the door. She stopped in the hallway to gather herself and let her tears fall freely. She was pretty sure it was the end of their friendship, she didn’t want to lost hope but it was hard after seeing Kara like that. The worst part was that she didn’t understand why or what could have happened. On her way home, she let herself hope that maybe with time she could reach Kara. They would be seeing each other at work, after all, maybe everything wasn’t lost.

 

After the holiday, when Lena stepped into the top floor of Catco, she walked straight to James.

“Hello, have you seen Kara?” She asked bluntly, she didn’t want to waste her time, and the blonde was the only thing on her mind.

“Hello, don’t you know?” James replied eying Lena questioningly, “I thought she had talked with you, she asked for a long leave, she won’t come back to work at least four months, maybe more. And she won't take my calls.”

“What? Why? Who allowed this?” Lena’s mind was racing, she couldn’t understand or believe what Kara had done, she thought that Kara loved her job as a reporter. She had quit last year, but she thought it was behind them. She didn’t wait for James to answer and left the office. She was on the verge of a breakdown, and couldn’t let it happen in front of anyone. She called Jess and cancelled all her meetings.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, tell me what you thought.


	3. loosing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you TrueMaverick for the reviews

It's been a month, a month of drifting through life without purpose. She thought it would pass, she would get over it, she would finally feel better with time, but she missed her friend every single day, every single hour and every single minute. Her mind was haunted, what could she have done differently? Was it her fault? Did Kara think about her as much as she thought about Kara? She was torturing herself. She had lost sleep, she couldn't eat or rest, she was an empty shell without the blonde in her life. She had even lost interest in her job.

 

Everything was tasteless and there didn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel or even an end to this tunnel.

That was it, she was tired of her perpetual wallowing and she needed to act and to do something, anything to move this mess forward. But what? What was she supposed to do when Kara refused to see her? She was on the verge of the tears once again, she felt like she had spent the past month holding in her tears all day long only to collapse once alone. She heard a commotion outside of her office at Lcorp, she hadn't set a foot at Catco since Kara had left. She stood and walked toward the door to see what happened but she didn't make it to the door before it burst open revealing a pissed off looking Alex.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” the older Danvers began without preamble.

“Hello?!” Lena replied a little stunned by the woman's behavior, she made a sign to Jess to let her know she could leave. 

“What happen?” said Alex

“When? Where? What are you talking about?” the CEO was lost and didn’t understand what this was about, she hadn’t heard from Alex for a month now.

“What’s wrong with you and Kara?” the agent lost her patience, she was witnessing both women spiraling down and didn’t understand what happened, Kara refused to talk to her or to anybody, and she was worried for Lena's well-being as well. “You are both wallowing and I don’t understand why or know what I can do to help” She finally said with her shoulders sagged in defeat.

 

“I don’t know she refuses to talk to me, and I’m lost without her in my life” Lena was as surprised as Alex by the sincerity of the statement. The CEO walked toward the couch and fell on it, she made a sign to let Alex know she could join her. Alex sat more gracefully than Lena.

“You can talk to me, you know, you are not alone, maybe we can help each other” Alex stated, putting one hand on Lena's shoulder. “I know you are not used to it” she pointed between them, “having friends or people in your corner, but you are not alone, I’m here, Sam is too as well as James and Winn”.

“I love her” Lena whispered, there was no point denying it anymore, she let her head fall in her hands trying to hide her tears. 

 

“Oh” Alex hadn’t seen such a confession coming so easily, she drew smoothing patterns on Lena’s back “It will be fine” she didn’t know what to say “Does she know?” 

“No, of course not, I haven't told her, I was afraid to lose her” Lena let escape a self-depreciate laugh “and look where I am now”.

“Maybe you should tell her, what have you to lose?” Alex was thinking out loud, she had tried everything to reach her sister unsuccessfully. She was so desperate that she would try anything, even coming to Lena to try to understand. 

 

Lena stayed silent for a moment, analyzing what Alex just said. Maybe she was right but how could she do it? Kara had essentially locked herself away. 

“How?” She whispered, afraid to let her hopes rise once again.

“I will let you in, I have a key of her apartment and for the rest, you will have to sort it out between you two,” Alex said never moving her hand from Lena’s back “And whatever happens, I will be there for you, OK?” She put her finger under Lena’s chin and forced her to look into her eyes, she wanted to make her understand she was serious. Maybe Alex hadn’t been a fervent supporter of the Luthor’s heiress at the beginning, but now that she had come to know her, she wanted to help her and she wanted to be there for her friend, for Kara’s best friend. Lena lifted her eyes and nodded her agreement, she finally had a plan, something to do.

“When?” 

“Whenever you want, even now if it’s what you want.” Alex replied.

“I don’t even know what I want to say to her”

“Tell me when you are ready but please don’t take too long, I’m really worried about her” 

“Give me two hours and meet me in front of her building” Lena stood abruptly, determined to act.

“See you there then” Alex stood as well and left the office. Lena followed her out and asked Jess to free up her schedule, she wouldn’t have done much more today anyway. She needed to go back to her penthouse before meeting Alex, to gather her thoughts.

 

When Lena finally arrived at Kara’s building, Alex was waiting for her, sitting on her bike, Lena asked herself how the woman could have ignored she was gay for so long.

 

They were silent in the elevator and when they stopped in front of Kara’s door Lena freeze. 

“Ready?” the older Danvers asked with the key in her hand. 

“Yes” Lena answered after a few moments, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, waiting for the door to open. When she opened her eyes, she blinked. Kara’s apartment, usually so bright and welcoming was plunged into darkness. All the curtains were closed and no sunlight filtered inside. Lena stepped tentatively in.

 

“Call me if you need anything” Alex whispered before closing the door after Lena. The dark-haired woman took some time to adjust to the dark surroundings. 

 

“Kara” Lena whispered she could feel the ambient sorrow swallowing her. “Kara, it’s me, Lena, where are you?” no replies came. Lena sighed and walked inside, trying to locate Kara. The Blonde was buried under blankets on her couch, at the very same spot that she left her a month ago. Lena approached her slowly and kneeled in front of her.

 

“Kara” Lena carefully moved the edge of the blanket to uncover Kara’s face, she needed to see her. She revealed the blonde's red puffy eyes and her empty look. “Oh, Kara” Lena sighed, feeling her heart clenching at the sight of her distressed friend. She stroked Kara’s cheek gently, wiping the tears falling from her eyes. She had a hard time to restrain herself from kissing the blonde laying there.

 

“Kara, I need you… I need you to listen to me please.” Lena wanted to meet Kara’s eyes before continuing. “I don’t know what happened, and I’m willing to help you, I would do anything to make you feel better, I would give anything to see your smile again.” Lena took a deep breath trying to collect her thoughts and her courage. She wasn’t sure if what she was about to say would help or not, but she was ready to give everything to her friend even if it meant showing her feelings that she had hid deep down. 

 

 “I need you, I need you in my life, I can't live without you. I thought that being friends with you would be enough for me, and it was until you stop talking to me. Then I realized that if I have to lose you anyway, I want you to know what I really feel for you.” Lena caressed Kara’s cheek tenderly and smiled at the blonde. “Ok” she took a deep breath and looked Kara straight in the eyes.

 

“I love you” Lena felt all the tension leaving her shoulders, it was good to finally say it out loud to Kara, she didn't wait for an answer. “I love you so much, I have loved you for so long that I can’t even remember not loving you. I didn’t plan on telling you this, I was happy to simply have you in my life...since you came into my life you have been my everything, I can’t imagine my world without you.” Lena paused letting her revelation sink in. “I know you don’t feel the same way and it’s ok, I can understand if you don’t want to see me after this. But please before wiping me from your life let me help you and when you feel better I will disappear from your life, I swear. Just let me help you now, let me in please.”

 

Lena waited for an answer patiently, not moving from her spot. She replayed in her mind what she had just said, trying to decide if she needed to say more or if she said too much. After a few minutes of silence she understood that Kara wouldn’t answer, she sobbed and stood to leave the room. She was defeated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, tell me what you thought.


	4. understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments. Here is the last chapter of the first part. Enjoy ;)  
> thank you TrueMaverick for the reviews.

Kara heard the door of her apartment opening, she hid her head under the blanket. Why couldn’t they leave her alone? She had been clear, she didn’t want to talk or see anyone. She heard her sister say “call me if you need anything” and then the door closed. Someone was there she could hear them breathing, then “Kara”, it was Lena’s voice, of course, it was Lena. But her voice seemed different, shallowed and tainted with something, grief maybe. 

 

“Kara it’s me Lena, where are you?” Lena asked, Kara didn’t reply, even after a month, it was still hard to resist to the urge to let Lena in. But she wasn’t ready, she didn’t want to fall into her old pattern and suffer because of her love for the other woman. Lena approached and kneeled in front of her, removing the blanket from her head and wiping the tears she wasn’t aware had fallen from her eyes. Kara didn’t move, stealing her body. And she listened silently to what Lena came to tell her. She listened to all the words pronounced, the words she dreamed to hear. Was it true, Lena loved her? Or was she dreaming and it would be so painful after she woke up. It couldn’t be true, she had seen Lena with that man, the memory still made her ache. She didn’t know how long it had been since Lena had stopped talking, but when Lena stood up, she knew she had a decision to make and quickly. 

 

She grabbed Lena’s hand to stop her, the dark-haired woman stiffened, surprised by the touch, Kara retrieved her hand, scared she had hurt her friend. It had been a month since the last time she touched someone and she wasn’t sure if she was fully in control of her strength. Lena grabbed her hand back and drew patterns on the back of it with her thumb. When Kara looked up, she saw Lena smiling shyly.

 

“Is…” Kara coughed, her throat was raw from the lack of talking, she cleared her throat before beginning again “Is it true?” She asked gingerly, without meeting Lena's eyes. She sat up on the couch to make room for Lena and patted the spot beside her. 

 

“Of course I want to help you,” Lena said while sitting.

 

“No,” Kara said more forcefully than she intended to, “No, that’s not what I meant… Is it true?” she repeated, “Is it true that you…” Kara couldn’t find the strength to say it out loud, she hoped Lena caught the hint.

 

“That I love you?” Lena asked whispering, Kara nodded biting her lips shyly, she was still unable to meet Lena’s gaze. “Of course it’s true Kara, I love you so much,” Lena said taking Kara’s hand in hers. And the blonde finally lifted her eyes.

 

“I love you too” It took Kara all her courage to say it, but it was the right time considering Lena could say it, she could too. When the words left her lips she felt relieved.

 

“What?” Lena was astonished, she didn’t expect this, she was ready to be rejected, “You… you love me?” she asked, not believing it.

 

“Of course Lena, how couldn’t I?” She squeezed the woman’s hand lightly. They stay silent, letting their revelations sink in, trying to understand what led them to this. Kara was the one who broke the silence speaking her thoughts out loud “I don’t understand… I saw you with him” She looked at her lap and then at their join hands.

 

“With whom?” Lena watched Kara questioningly.

 

“That guy, the other night… at the bar”

 

“God, you saw it? Is this the reason why you are in this state?” Lena asked feeling the guilt build in her chest, she had made a mistake, and almost lost her friend because of it “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry about it” 

 

“You don’t have to be, it’s just that I don’t understand,” Kara said, lost in her thoughts. When she looked up, she saw that Lena was distressed and added “but you don’t have to explain yourself, I’m not judging you”

 

“I… I was sure you couldn’t love me… I…” Kara stopped her, putting her pointing finger to her lips, she didn’t want to make her friend uncomfortable. Lena shook her head, she needed to explain herself, she owned it to Kara. “I was trying to drown my sorrows, I made a mistake” Lena let her tears escape, how could she have been so stupid to succumb to her primal wants, she felt ashamed by her behavior and by the fact that Kara witnessed it. 

 

“Hey” Kara whispered, caressing Lena’s cheek and wiping Lena’s tears, as the woman had done for her previously. She pulled her into a hug, she had waited to feel Lena against her for so long, she sighed in the woman’s dark hair. Lena wrapped her arms around Kara and held her tightly, she was crying from a mixture of shame and relief.  

 

“I’m so sorry” Lena whispered in Kara’s chest. Kara slid her finger under the woman's chin and lifted her head when their eyes meet, she smiled reassuringly.

 

“Don’t be, you have done nothing wrong” Kara said tenderly.

 

“But” Lena was cut off and this time the blonde didn’t let her continue.

 

“No” Kara shook her head, then she looked at Lena and made a decision that she had to come clean and tell Lena her secret. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and said “there is something I need to tell you, I hope you can forgive me, I haven’t been honest with you” 

 

She held her eyes and when Lena, smiling, didn’t try to put some distance between them. She looked at her questioningly, why was she smiling? “I… Why are you smiling?”

 

“Don’t mind me, please continue, I’m listening” Lena barely contained her happiness, Kara was finally ready to share her secret. Kara hesitated but she had made her decision so she continued.

 

“I… I’m…” Kara took a deep breath and closed her eyes “I’m Supergirl” she said slowly, she opened her eyes tentatively and Lena sported a bigger smile then before, “you knew?” 

 

“Yes,” Lena simply answered biting her lips before adding “I could recognize those eyes anywhere”.

 

“And you’re not mad?” Kara asked astonished.

 

“Of course not, why should I be?” Lena replied playfully, she wanted Kara to be comfortable to talk.

 

“Because I lied to you, because I’m an alien, because I don’t know…” Kara sighed, she didn’t know what to say, she was unsettled by Lena's reaction.

 

“Oh, Kara” Lena whispered putting some distance between them to look Kara in the eyes and show her how sincere she was, “It was your secret to tell and I respect that, and you really think that the fact that you are an alien would change anything between us?” 

 

“No, of course not… I don’t know …” Kara blushed lightly, just enough for Lena to see it in the darkness of the apartment. The dark-haired woman playfully shoved Kara’s arm.

 

“I thought you would know me by now” Lena kept her smile firmly in place, she knew her friend and she knew she needed to relax, it wasn’t easy for her to talk about it and Lena wanted to be there to help her.

 

“I know you but I was scared of losing you,” Kara said looking at her lap. Lena moved forward, she rested her right hand on Kara’s left cheek and kissed her right tentatively, the blonde closed her eyes and relished the sensation of the lips on her. When Lena began to move back, Kara stopped her with a hand on her neck, they were merely inches apart, they looked between their lips and their eyes. They didn’t move, then Kara moved forward slowly and just before their lips touch she asked.

 

“May I kiss you?”

 

Lena didn’t answer but filled the gap between them. The kiss was slow, tentative, and they parted too soon for their liking, they rested their forehead against each other, not opening their eyes and smiling. Lena moved backward, and Kara opened her eyes quickly, afraid she had done something wrong, but Lena was smiling at her, with this smile she missed so much during the last month. The dark-haired woman resumed her caresses on Kara’s cheek.

 

“I can’t believe it’s true,” Lena said, a part of her was still convinced that she would wake up alone in her apartment and that it was just a dream, a beautiful dream but only a dream.

 

“Neither do I” Kara whispered back, before moving forward once again and capturing Lena’s lips. They kissed more fervently this time. Lena moved to straddle Kara, never breaking the kiss. 

 

They spent the afternoon, on the couch alternating between kissing and talking. They had so much to catch up, even if they hadn’t really lived the past month, Kara was finally able to talk to Lena about Krypton, and Lena listened to her mesmerized. They fell asleep, on the couch, Lena securely held by Kara’s arms. And for the first time in a month they finally rested, hopeful for their future, together they were invulnerable and they were together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, tell me what you thought.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, tell me what you thought.


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